Just Friends

Can we just be friends? This question, in some shape or form, inevitably crosses everyone's path after a relationship ends. It may be the line that actually starts the break-up speech, or it may come many months down the road after both parties have had time to settle down. No matter how we come across it, the question remains, can you be just friends with an ex? My answer: If you are really in love, No.

R asked me this question a few months after we broke up. At first, I was angry, but I said yes because some contact with him was better than no contact at all. Looking back, I realize that I said yes for many selfish reasons. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know that he still cared for me. I wanted to have the security that I could still call him if I ever needed someone to turn to. And deep down, though I would never admit it, I hoped that there was a tiny chance that we would end up together again.

I'm not saying that these are wrong reasons to be friends with somebody. Friends are supposed to be there for you when you're down; to comfort you; to help you through the hardest times, and trust me, this was one of the most difficult times in my life. The problem was that I would always want more from R than just friendship. When we would talk online, our conversations would be kind of distant. We would talk about current events or share funny video clips but never anything too serious. When you go from having a relationship where you share all your thoughts and feelings with your significant other to one where you only talk halfway about things, it feels like you're talking to a whole different person.

After a few online conversations like that with R, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand the feeling of hoping for more and always being disappointed. I know the connection and closeness we had is still there, but he didn't allow it in our brief chats. You might argue that he's just being fair to me since he doesn't want to "lead me on." I believe he does it, though, to protect himself from being tempted into giving our relationship another try. Why do I think that, you may ask? First, if you love someone very much, those feelings will never go away. People say time heals all things, but to me, time just buries it. From that notion, I believe that deep down in his heart, he also has a longing for us to be together. Second, if he really did not want to lead me on, he would not have contacted me again.

I used to say that I hoped that one day, R and I would be close enough friends that he would invite me to his wedding, and I would invite him to mine, and we would be truly happy for one another. Realistically, I know that can't happen for me. I do want him to be happy more than anything else in the world, but I would be so afraid that seeing him would make me wonder what our life would have been like together. One thought would lead to another, and soon, I may find myself feeling sadness or jealousy. Whether this would really happen or not, I don't know. One thing is certain, though; we can't control our feelings.

With that thought, I stopped trying to talk to him or look at his profile at all. I still carry a love for him and for all the times we had together in my heart. And I still hope. For those reasons, I cannot and can never be just friends with R.