Letting Go

Growing up is hard to do. So many times, I feel like I'm too young to deal with the situations life throws at me, but there is no way around it. I remember when R broke up with me, I felt like everything was slipping through my fingers, no matter how hard I tried to hold on. Anyone who has experienced this feeling understands...this feeling of hopelessness.

It's been one year and one month since then. My first few posts were not really chronological, so here is a summary of where I am today: After R and I broke up, I cried everyday for months. Slowly, I began to be able to enjoy the people who were still in my life more, and now, I can even picture a future without him. There are times when I still cry at night, though, when I think about him and our relationship. Last night was one of those nights. Because of that, I know I'm still not over him. It's not just a teardrop rolling down my cheek; it's my heart aching and wishing for what seems like the impossible.

Eventually I'll have to get past this stage, but I believe it takes a conscious effort and the courage to let go. I've always been afraid of letting go of him in my heart. One reason is because I'm afraid of being alone. In this world, people look out for themselves, and it can be very cold and lonely. I've never had someone other than my parents care for me so much. So, when I had something as special as that, I didn't want to live without it. Second, I'm afraid that I won't find anyone better for me out there. I have no doubt that I will find guys who are interested and willing to date me, but I don't know if I will ever be as happy with them as I was with R. Finally, I'm afraid that if I let go of this feeling, I will never love anyone as passionately or whole-heartedly again. I have a lot of sadness in my heart right now, but the pain reminds me of how much he meant to me. So, if I never love anyone as much in the rest of this lifetime as I loved him, should I settle?

While I was thinking about all of these things last night, I realized that many of these fears I have are all "what if" scenarios. For all I know, I could find a guy who makes me happier than I've ever been and who would go to the ends of the earth to protect me. If I was guaranteed this future, I believe it would be a lot easier to let go of the past. But such is life, filled with uncertainty and potential regret. Unexpectedly, I found peace last night, even with this uncertainty, by offering up my love for R to God. I prayed that if R and I should have been but couldn't be together in this lifetime, that we would be together and have one of the greatest loves in the next lifetime, whether it be in Heaven or on earth again. For some reason, this thought makes me less afraid to let him go.