Just Friends

Can we just be friends? This question, in some shape or form, inevitably crosses everyone's path after a relationship ends. It may be the line that actually starts the break-up speech, or it may come many months down the road after both parties have had time to settle down. No matter how we come across it, the question remains, can you be just friends with an ex? My answer: If you are really in love, No.

R asked me this question a few months after we broke up. At first, I was angry, but I said yes because some contact with him was better than no contact at all. Looking back, I realize that I said yes for many selfish reasons. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know that he still cared for me. I wanted to have the security that I could still call him if I ever needed someone to turn to. And deep down, though I would never admit it, I hoped that there was a tiny chance that we would end up together again.

I'm not saying that these are wrong reasons to be friends with somebody. Friends are supposed to be there for you when you're down; to comfort you; to help you through the hardest times, and trust me, this was one of the most difficult times in my life. The problem was that I would always want more from R than just friendship. When we would talk online, our conversations would be kind of distant. We would talk about current events or share funny video clips but never anything too serious. When you go from having a relationship where you share all your thoughts and feelings with your significant other to one where you only talk halfway about things, it feels like you're talking to a whole different person.

After a few online conversations like that with R, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand the feeling of hoping for more and always being disappointed. I know the connection and closeness we had is still there, but he didn't allow it in our brief chats. You might argue that he's just being fair to me since he doesn't want to "lead me on." I believe he does it, though, to protect himself from being tempted into giving our relationship another try. Why do I think that, you may ask? First, if you love someone very much, those feelings will never go away. People say time heals all things, but to me, time just buries it. From that notion, I believe that deep down in his heart, he also has a longing for us to be together. Second, if he really did not want to lead me on, he would not have contacted me again.

I used to say that I hoped that one day, R and I would be close enough friends that he would invite me to his wedding, and I would invite him to mine, and we would be truly happy for one another. Realistically, I know that can't happen for me. I do want him to be happy more than anything else in the world, but I would be so afraid that seeing him would make me wonder what our life would have been like together. One thought would lead to another, and soon, I may find myself feeling sadness or jealousy. Whether this would really happen or not, I don't know. One thing is certain, though; we can't control our feelings.

With that thought, I stopped trying to talk to him or look at his profile at all. I still carry a love for him and for all the times we had together in my heart. And I still hope. For those reasons, I cannot and can never be just friends with R.

Your Hand in Mine

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and Lunar New Year! On top of that, the 2010 Winter Olympics are filling up my evenings! I love the celebrations and festive atmosphere in the air. So, in keeping with the spirit, tonight's post will be one of my favorite memories.

I'm the type who takes things slowly in a relationship. I fall in love slowly. And I fall out of love slowly. During my first relationship with R, we took a long time to even hold hands. I remember the first time he held my hand so clearly. Every week, the University has a free showing of a relatively recent movie that was in theaters. On one of those Thursday nights, we went to see a movie, and you were sitting on my left. Halfway through the show, I noticed that you kept leaning your head on your left hand, and it looked like you were deep in thought. Then, you surprised me, and put your right arm over the arm rest and took my hand in yours. My heart was beating really fast, but I didn't know what to do. I remember looking at the movie screen, but I don't remember anything that was on it. I just remember holding your hand and feeling every movement you made. It's funny how over time, that strange feeling becomes so natural.

I know that early stages of relationships are filled with infatuation and passion, so even the small act of holding someone's hand can be exciting. I do hope those little moments are not lost over time because those memories help you get through the hard times.

Reading over this entry, I realize that I started writing in second person...I guess when I start to think back on memories, especially emotional ones, I picture R in my head and write to him. There are so many things that I wish I had told him, like how he made me feel when he first held my hand. It probably wouldn't have changed the outcome of things in the end, but at least he would have known how much I appreciated him.

Beginning Again

Exactly one year ago from today, my first boyfriend broke up with me. It's been such a long year, but one that has helped me grow and discover so much about myself and about life.

Most blogs are written for a reason: to voice an opinion, to share stories with the world, to serve as a place of memories to look back on. The first entry of most blogs usually tells why the writer started writing in the first place. So, in keeping with tradition, the reason why I am writing this blog is a mixture of things...to record my journey over this past year and beyond, to serve as another viewpoint to others going through rough times in their relationships, and to let my feelings out...The focus of my blog may change over time, but it all started because of this love that I can't let go of, but that I have to learn to live with by myself.

So, after one year of heartache and growth, where am I now? I can get through the days without crying, even if I think back on the relationship. I can act independently and more wisely. I can also laugh and enjoy the people around me without regrets. But through it all, I know that he will always be in my heart. He messaged me today, and I admit, my heart still beats fast when I see his name pop up. I have so many things that I wish I could tell him, I wish I could talk to him like I used to, but I can't. Even though the feelings are still there, time has helped me not act so impulsively. Is this for the better? Living life rationally rather than with blind passion? It probably is in the long-run, but the hardest part is making my heart believe that.